So Question Time was in Dundee on Thursday night.
The popular BBC One current affairs programme tours the country every week and allows members of the public to put questions to politicians and commentators.
The panel included Scottish Tory leader Ruth Davidson, SNP deputy first minister John Swinney, Labour MSP Jenny Marra and Scottish Lib Dem leader Willie Rennie. Rounding off the line-up were Patrick Harvie, co-convener of the Scottish Greens, and dapper political pundit Tim Stanley.
It was a landmark political broadcast from Scotland in so far as David Torrance wasn’t on it.
So far, so good. But since this was Scotland, and the eyes of the UK were on us, we just had to give ourselves a right showing up.
Some inhabitants of Scottish Twitter were disturbed to hear certain accents in the audience. Accents from, you know, People Not From Around Here.
And this, which is outstanding on many, many levels:
To prevent this happening again, we’ve devised a helpful quiz to gauge whether you are Dundonian enough to appear in a Question Time audience.
1. Which famous Dundonian does this statue commemorate?
a) Desperate Dan
b) Brian Cox
c) Crocodile Dundee
d) That nice Radio 4 PM chap is never from Dundee!
2. Who is this?
a) Oor Wullie
b) Our William
c) Muriel Gray
d) Rupert the Bear
3. What is this?
c) Pastry-flavoured cholesterol
d) Melton Mowbray
4. When ordering No 3. in a bakery, which phrase naturally follows?
b) “An onion one, too”
c) “Does this contain monosodium glutamate?”
5. If you bumped into Granpaw Broon in the street, what is he likely to say?
a) “Jings, crivens and help ma boab!”
b) “Goodness, gracious and help my Robert!”
c) “Do you know the Bairn’s real name?”
d) I’m not sure but he wasn’t a very good prime minister
6. Who is this?
a) Kieran Andrews, political editor of the Courier
b) David Clegg, political editor of the Norn Irn Daily Record
c) Matt LeBlanc fallen on hard times
d) Ralph Macchio after The Karate Kid Part III tanked at the box office
7. Where is Broughty Ferry?
b) Not Dundee
c) Wheesht, I’ve got my house price to think of
d) Oh, we know people in Broughton. Don’t we, Clive? Annabel and… thingy. Hector. Did we send them a Christmas card? Sorry, what was the question?
8. Have you ever played Grand Theft Auto?
c) No, and it’s a shameful glorification of wanton violence and misogyny
d) GTA? Really? I thought you lot just manufactured shortbread and Newsnight presenters
9. Is Lorraine Kelly Dundonian?
c) It’s complicated
d) I know she’s Scottish. Do I get a half-point?
10. Do you understand what these people are saying?
a) Of course
c) I can’t believe BBC Scotland televised people having a stroke
d) Why are they all called Ken?
You are a true Dundonian. You can wolf down a peh and aningininanaw in under a minute. Not only can you name every one of the Broons, you’re actually related to them. You are even more Dundonian than Lorraine Kelly. Who is very Dundonian. Sort of.
You’re a wee bit Dundonian but just too refined. Whereabouts in Broughty Ferry do you live?
You appear to be from Edinburgh. Please resubmit your application to Gardeners’ Question Time.
Oh. You’re Engl- I mean… Westminster! That’s it… Westminster. Right… Well, you know, that’s okay. How about that cricket, eh? *awkwardly Morris dances while humming Jerusalem*