Why I hate Scotland

I’m often asked by Scottish Nationalists why I hate Scotland, usually in response to some shockingly treasonous behaviour on my part. Such as asking the SNP to explain its tax policy or raising doubts about the latest plans to build a monument to Alex Salmond.

To save them the trouble, I have compiled a list of the reasons I hate Scotland. It’s in no particular order. My contempt varies from day to day. 

Saltires

Saltires on car aerials

Saltires in back gardens

Saltires in Twitter profiles

People who paint saltires on their children’s faces

Dundee

Chicken is universally pronounced “chitt’en”

Tartan

Tartan Army

Bagpipes

Kilts

Scots Wha Hae

“Weans”, “bairns”, “loons”, and “quines”

Duncan Hothersall

ScotRail

Celtic

“Rangers”

People who write “Rangers”

Aberdeen

Aberdonians

Aberdonians who drone on about how great Aberdeen is but not great enough for them to actually live there

Duncan Hothersall (just to be clear)

Gerry Hassan

Licensing laws

Everyone pretends Gaelic is a living language

Everyone pretends Scots is any kind of language

The letters page of The Herald

Scottish football fans bang on about that time they almost won the World Cup more than England fans bang on about that time they actually won the World Cup

Everything north of Milngavie

Everything south of Milngavie

Milngavie

The inability to disagree on politics without accusing someone of being a quisling/traitor/MI5 operative

Liz Lochhead

Jingoism

Millionaire shortbread where the caramel comes out all fudgy instead of gooey

People who still say “guisin’” instead of trick-or-treating

Dalmarnock

The fact everybody gets Daft Limmy except me

The fact nobody gets Jim Murphy except me (and JK Rowling)

Wee runs in the car up the Campsies

Martin Compston

The films of Martin Compston

The face of Martin Compston

Crispy rolls

Haggis-flavoured crisps

Rannoch Moor

David Torrance

The pride taken in mediocrity

Airdrie

“What school did you go to?”

Authoritarianism

Salt ‘n’ sauce on chips

Chips on shoulders

Moral superiority

Alasdair Gray

The Evening Times

Midges

Jamie Borthwick

Mince ‘n’ tatties

“We’re a’ Jock Tamson’s bairns”

Eddi Reader

People say “Hogmanay” instead of New Year’s Eve

Anti-Englishness

Edinburgh Rock

Scottish Country Dancing

“Wha’s Like Us?” tea towels

Robert Burns

“Aye, nobody goes away fur the Fair fortnight anymore”

Sean Connery

Oatcakes

Thistles

Pete Wishart

Leith

“You’ll have had your tea, then”

Jimmy Shand

“Wastemonster”

Highland cows

Calling lakes “lochs”

“Aye”

“Naw”

“Mibbe”

The “it’s shite being Scottish” monologue from Trainspotting

Saying “how” when you mean why (via Holly Russell)

Drizzly drizzle (via Johann Lamont)

Humourlessness

So. Much. Humourlessness.

It’s only ever 24 hours between one bunch of arseholes taking to the streets and another bunch following them.

“Aye, ye know, like ye dae”

Anti-Americanism

Saying “Unionist” but meaning English

Saying “we welcome immigrants” but not meaning English

The Scottish Labour Party

Fife

“Neeps”

People who respond to the first sign of rain in March with “Well, that’s us had wir summer, then”

The fact that said people are invariably right

Local Hero

Sandi Thom

You have to leave to make something of your life

Resentment towards those who do

Donald Dewar is considered a political titan

Saying “scullery” instead of kitchen

Sheep on the road at night

Bill Leckie

There’s more racial diversity in an Alabama golf club

The Proclaimers

“Civic Scotland”

Woollen mills

Glasgow City Council

#SaorAlba

Smirr. (Apparently it means drizzly rain.) (Also via Johann Lamont)

“Freedom Square” (via boglestone)

River City (via Sam F)

Gregory’s Girl

The crusts on Mother’s Pride

McWitch from Rentaghost (via Ern Malley)

Irn-Bru (Sorry babes)

Jeremy Corbyn supporters. (Even the ones who aren’t Scottish.)

McIntosh adverts

 

“Ye ‘hink yir better than the rest ae us?!”

Vote No Borders wasn’t actually a Dateline Scotland parody

All baked goods come with currants

Standard English is “talkin’ posh”

Our academics are either mediocre dullards or fans with funding

Uist, which until a year ago I thought was pronounced “Weest”

Hawick, which until last Thursday I thought was pronounced “Hah-wick”

All other stupid Scottish place name pronunciations

Caledonia

Scaremongering (via Thomas Simpson)

“Scaremongering!” (via Johann Lamont)

Bagpipers inside pubs when you’re trying to have a quiet drink (via Cat Headley)

David Clegg

David Wells

Paul Cruikshank

Callum Steele

Ruth Davidson

The Scotland Office

tumblr_inline_nsmmh0q2Wq1t2shgt_1280.png

Scott A. W. Brown

The Edinburgh Festival

Alastair Brian

Other soulless gingers

Jamie Ross

Paul Cruikshank

Feature image © Kim Traynor by Creative Commons 3.0.

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