I’m often asked by Scottish Nationalists why I hate Scotland, usually in response to some shockingly treasonous behaviour on my part. Such as asking the SNP to explain its tax policy or raising doubts about the latest plans to build a monument to Alex Salmond.
To save them the trouble, I have compiled a list of the reasons I hate Scotland. It’s in no particular order. My contempt varies from day to day.
Saltires
Saltires on car aerials
Saltires in back gardens
Saltires in Twitter profiles
People who paint saltires on their children’s faces
Dundee
Chicken is universally pronounced “chitt’en”
Tartan
Tartan Army
Bagpipes
Kilts
Scots Wha Hae
“Weans”, “bairns”, “loons”, and “quines”
Duncan Hothersall
ScotRail
Celtic
“Rangers”
People who write “Rangers”
Aberdeen
Aberdonians
Aberdonians who drone on about how great Aberdeen is but not great enough for them to actually live there
Duncan Hothersall (just to be clear)
Gerry Hassan
Licensing laws
Everyone pretends Gaelic is a living language
Everyone pretends Scots is any kind of language
The letters page of The Herald
Scottish football fans bang on about that time they almost won the World Cup more than England fans bang on about that time they actually won the World Cup
Everything north of Milngavie
Everything south of Milngavie
Milngavie
The inability to disagree on politics without accusing someone of being a quisling/traitor/MI5 operative
Liz Lochhead
Jingoism
Millionaire shortbread where the caramel comes out all fudgy instead of gooey
People who still say “guisin’” instead of trick-or-treating
Dalmarnock
The fact everybody gets Daft Limmy except me
The fact nobody gets Jim Murphy except me (and JK Rowling)
Wee runs in the car up the Campsies
Martin Compston
The films of Martin Compston
The face of Martin Compston
Crispy rolls
Haggis-flavoured crisps
Rannoch Moor
David Torrance
The pride taken in mediocrity
Airdrie
“What school did you go to?”
Authoritarianism
Salt ‘n’ sauce on chips
Chips on shoulders
Moral superiority
Alasdair Gray
The Evening Times
Midges
Jamie Borthwick
Mince ‘n’ tatties
“We’re a’ Jock Tamson’s bairns”
Eddi Reader
People say “Hogmanay” instead of New Year’s Eve
Anti-Englishness
Edinburgh Rock
Scottish Country Dancing
“Wha’s Like Us?” tea towels
Robert Burns
“Aye, nobody goes away fur the Fair fortnight anymore”
Sean Connery
Oatcakes
Thistles
Pete Wishart
Leith
“You’ll have had your tea, then”
Jimmy Shand
“Wastemonster”
Highland cows
Calling lakes “lochs”
“Aye”
“Naw”
“Mibbe”
The “it’s shite being Scottish” monologue from Trainspotting
Saying “how” when you mean why (via Holly Russell)
Drizzly drizzle (via Johann Lamont)
Humourlessness
It’s only ever 24 hours between one bunch of arseholes taking to the streets and another bunch following them.
“Aye, ye know, like ye dae”
Anti-Americanism
Saying “Unionist” but meaning English
Saying “we welcome immigrants” but not meaning English
The Scottish Labour Party
Fife
“Neeps”
People who respond to the first sign of rain in March with “Well, that’s us had wir summer, then”
The fact that said people are invariably right
Local Hero
Sandi Thom
You have to leave to make something of your life
Resentment towards those who do
Donald Dewar is considered a political titan
Saying “scullery” instead of kitchen
Sheep on the road at night
Bill Leckie
There’s more racial diversity in an Alabama golf club
The Proclaimers
“Civic Scotland”
Woollen mills
Glasgow City Council
#SaorAlba
Smirr. (Apparently it means drizzly rain.) (Also via Johann Lamont)
“Freedom Square” (via boglestone)
River City (via Sam F)
Gregory’s Girl
The crusts on Mother’s Pride
McWitch from Rentaghost (via Ern Malley)
Irn-Bru (Sorry babes)
Jeremy Corbyn supporters. (Even the ones who aren’t Scottish.)
“Ye ‘hink yir better than the rest ae us?!”
Vote No Borders wasn’t actually a Dateline Scotland parody
All baked goods come with currants
Standard English is “talkin’ posh”
Our academics are either mediocre dullards or fans with funding
Uist, which until a year ago I thought was pronounced “Weest”
Hawick, which until last Thursday I thought was pronounced “Hah-wick”
All other stupid Scottish place name pronunciations
Caledonia
Scaremongering (via Thomas Simpson)
“Scaremongering!” (via Johann Lamont)
Bagpipers inside pubs when you’re trying to have a quiet drink (via Cat Headley)
Ruth Davidson
The Scotland Office
The Edinburgh Festival
Other soulless gingers
Jamie Ross
Feature image © Kim Traynor by Creative Commons 3.0.
Stephen Daisley 