Category Archives: Uncategorized

Alex Salmond addressed his new Alba Party’s first conference on April 3, 2021. This is the text of my Scottish Mail on Sunday sketch of the speech.  ***** Alex Salmond’s conference speech lasted exactly five minutes and 20 seconds and although it was free I would still like my money back. This was meant to be hisContinue reading “For as long as 186 of us remain online”

This is the text of my Scottish Daily Mail column for Monday, March 29, 2021. ***** It is becoming increasingly difficult to distinguish between the SNP and an episode of Jerry Springer. You know you shouldn’t gawp but it’s hard to look away, what with lurid allegations, bitter feuds, conspiracy theories and political bed-hopping, as the problem family ofContinue reading “Alba could be a threat to the Union — and an opportunity”

Alex Salmond announced his candidacy for the Holyrood elections on March 26, 2021, for the Alba Party. This is the text of my Scottish Daily Mail sketch of the launch.  ***** There are a fair few nationalists who believe the British state works to undermine Scottish independence, and a fair few Unionists who believe it oughtContinue reading “Epic Gael”

Nicola Sturgeon faced questions in the Scottish Parliament on March 24, 2021. It was the final First Minister’s Questions before the election and Ruth Davidson’s last before quitting Holyrood. This is the text of my Scottish Daily Mail sketch of proceedings.  ***** At last, the back of the most wretched, fetid, scandal-flecked parliament in memory. Gone in aContinue reading “Ruth’s last hurrah”

Nicola Sturgeon faced a vote of no confidence in the Scottish Parliament on March 23, 2021. This is the text of my Scottish Daily Mail sketch of proceedings.  ***** There are many Nicola Sturgeons, one for every audience and every occasion. Sturgeon the Folksy and Sturgeon the Forensic, Sturgeon the Indignant and Sturgeon the Triumphalist. MSPs were votingContinue reading “It’s all happening at the Holyrood zoo”

This is the text of my Scottish Daily Mail column for Monday, March 22, 2021. ***** The final week before parliamentary recess typically has a last-day-of-term feel. When there’s an election in the offing, the focus is on tying up legislative loose ends and gathering for retiring rivals’ valedictory speeches.  After five years of knocking lumps outContinue reading “A government without rules”

This is the text of my Scottish Daily Mail column for Monday, March 15, 2021. ***** Glancing at the opinion polls, pro-Union voters could be forgiven for growing disconsolate. Keeping half the country constantly ginned up for constitutional conflict may not create a single job or get a single child up to literacy standards but it certainlyContinue reading “Unionists who waste their votes will only help the SNP”

Nicola Sturgeon faced opposition leaders at First Minister’s Questions on March 11, 2021. This is the text of my Scottish Daily Mail sketch of proceedings.  ***** Something majestic happens whenever the Scottish Government releases more of its Alex Salmond legal advice. Not the SNP being mildly accountable to parliament, though that’s always a Kodak moment. No, it’s theContinue reading “New SNP perfume: Eau de Cover-Up”

Yaaaiow! The smiling nurse plunged the hypodermic into my deltoid as though hooking my arm with a spear gun. One minute she was sweetly assuring me I’d only feel a ‘wee sharp scratch’, the next she was firing in like a trigger-happy whaler with a harpooning quota to meet. The shark in Jaws got off lighter. Continue reading “We need a shot in the arm… and not just the Covid jab”

Nicola Sturgeon faced opposition leaders at First Minister’s Questions on Thursday, March 4, 2021. This is the text of my Scottish Daily Mail sketch of proceedings.  Yehhhp! Yehhhp!’ These guttural squawks are familiar to regular observers of First Minister’s Questions as John Swinney’s way of endorsing his boss’s every point. To the outsider, it may sound like aContinue reading “Sarwar gets the band back together”