Everyone’s Wrong But Nicola, a continuing series

Patrick Harvie was angry, or at least as angry as a Green can get.

You could tell because he was asking about the environment for once, rather than his party’s primary priorities: intersectional letting practices and gender-neutral flight plans at Prestwick Airport.

Anti-fracking campaigners had been branded ‘domestic extremists’ by Police Scotland. Harvie hissed like a steamed artichoke: ‘It strikes at the heart of the relationship between policing and the public.’

You’d think they’d be grateful. The trigger-happy rozzers have made a clutch of trainspotters and Doctor Who fanfic scribblers sound unduly interesting.

Daringly, Nicola Sturgeon came down on the side of freedom of assembly: ‘As long as they do it peacefully and democratically, I defend their right to do so.’

I doubt Patrick Harvie is going to turn up at Faslane with a flask of puy lentil soup that doubles as a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher. I don’t care how ridiculous these Bodyguard plot twists are getting.

The Greens leader wasn’t the only one left frustrated by this week’s episode of Everyone’s Wrong But Nicola.

Ruth Davidson pushed her on choice in education, pointing out that more than half of schools restrict pupils to six exam subjects. According to Professor Jim Scott this had cost Scottish children 622,000 qualifications in five years.

The class clowns on the SNP backbenches cracked into jeering. Sturgeon hooted: ‘I think that it is entirely unbelievable.’

Professor Scott may have 18 years as a headmaster and a PhD in Scottish education but Sturgeon has James Dornan clapping away behind her like a seal being dangled a plastic fish. Sod off, Mister Chips.

The First Minister was in a right mood yesterday. The previous day, MSPs had voted against her policy of standardised assessments for primary one pupils. As a fierce defender of Holyrood against the caprices of a haughty UK Government, Sturgeon has agreed to accept the will of the Scottish Parliament just as soon as that will changes to reflect SNP policy.

‘Ruth Davidson is a shameless opportunist,’ crowed Sturgeon, with the ire of a woman’s whose copyright was being infringed.

Excitable Lib Dem leader Willie Rennie was bobbing in his seat, like a puppy waiting to be let off the leash. When the moment came, he was up on his hind legs, yapping away at the SNP high heid yin.

‘I congratulate the First Minister on being so bold and radical this morning: she now wants to delay Brexit by a few weeks. That will definitely save us from colossal economic damage.’

The eyes narrowed. The lips curled. She didn’t take that well. This was one canine she’d like to get fixed.

Rennie taunted Sturgeon to sign up to the People’s Vote, a grassroots campaign by some of the most ordinary peers and billionaires in the land to re-run the EU referendum until the electorate comes back with the correct decision.

The First Minister said she would back a People’s Vote if there was a guarantee the result wouldn’t be the same as last time, with Scotland voting to stay and England to leave. A vote with a predetermined outcome. We’ve got one first minister working for the Russians and another trying to import their electoral process.

Despite Sturgeon’s repeated bellows at the Lib Dem leader, he wouldn’t give her an undertaking. ‘Willie Rennie failed to answer the question that I posed, which I thought was notable,’ she clyped to a weary-looking Presiding Officer. You’ve almost grasped the idea behind these sessions, Nicola.

Angela Constance had come sporting a Chewits wrapper for a jacket but her question was anything but sweet. Sturgeon’s former Cabinet colleague pressed the boss on paediatric services in Lothian. Would she do ‘absolutely everything, and more, to return our much-loved first-class children’s ward to a 24/7 service as soon as possible’? Sturgeon would need medical attention of her own to remove that stiletto from her ribs. Hell hath no fury like a minister sacked.

Agree? Disagree? Want to have your say? Email scotletters@dailymail.co.uk.

Originally published in the Scottish Daily Mail. Contact Stephen at stephen.daisley@dailymail.co.ukFeature image © Scottish Government by Creative Commons 2.0

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