I’ve decided to formulate a policy for dealing with the less funtastic aspects of Twitter. This will be updated over time. I reserve the right to modify/disregard any part of the policy just because I feel like it. I also reserve the right to clog your timeline with pugs and that Vine of Liz Kendall winking to “Careless Whisper”.
Alternative media
Standard operating procedure for dealing with those who retweet “alternative media” outlets into my timeline:
First time: Quiet tut.
Second time: Polite objection.
Third time: Unfollow.
For the purposes of the Act, “alternative media” include but are not limited to: Russia Today, Press TV, Sputnik, The Canary, Veterans Today, Novara Media, Newsnet, Infowars, Rense, Alison Weir, Electronic Intifada, Wayne Madsen, Ponsonby Post, SKWAWKBOX, Evolve Politics.
Alt-Right
Tweet them a graphic of America’s growing Hispanic population, enjoy their pain, then block.
Anti-Semites
Am Yisrael chai. Block.
Anti-Zionists
See Anti-Semites.
Badges
More than one on a Twitter pic: Block.
Beliebers
This doesn’t come up often but: Block.
Blocking
Chauvinists
Is your country the United States? No? Then sit down and shut up; it’s not the greatest on Earth. Block.
Corbynistas
Kindly thank them for destroying the Labour Party, then block.
Corporate views
Not my views.
Couthiness
‘Wee Ruthie’, ‘Stevie Boy’, and other provincial expressions: Block.
‘Cuck’, ‘Cuckservative’
Weep for the future of Abraham Lincoln’s party, then block.
Cybernats
Kindly thank them for destroying the SNP at some point in the future, then block.
Directioners
Mute. (Meh, they’re less annoying than the other lot.)
Dr Éoin Clarke
Take away his Photoshop licence. Block.
Duncan Hothersall
Mute. Block. Report for spam. Delete Twitter. Move to rural Idaho and forgo the internet forevermore.
Flags
Only in small doses. More than one: Mute.
Haters
Block. (Life, like Marco Rubio, is too short.)
Haterz
Are, I’m reliably informed, gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
Hatters, Mad
Back through the looking glass with you, lads.
Hatters, Tinfoil
Block. I don’t care if the Bilderbergers are beaming messages through your fillings.
#HunkyJim
Mmmm….
Kippers, smoked
Delicious.
Kippers, U
Deranged.
‘Lazy journalism’
Block.
Muting
My views
Not corporate views.
Neo-Nazis
Tweet them Israel’s GDP and population statistics then block.
Pamela Geller
Block. Twice. Just to be sure.
Paul Mason
Mock not block.
‘Rothschild’
Block.
Terrorist groupies
Ask why they keep joining the Labour Party. Block.
Trolls who target @biscuit_ersed
Snark then block.
‘Wee Nippy’
Sign of male inadequacy/hatred of a strong woman. Block.
‘Whisky Export Duty’
Redirect to @kevverage. Mute.
Feature image © Creative Tools by Creative Commons 2.0.
Stephen Daisley 