The democratic process has been thrown into chaos after a majority of Scots voted against the clearly expressed wishes of people who shop in Whole Foods.
Friday morning’s referendum result brought an eerie chill to Byres Road. In the independent coffee shops, patrons wept into their double tall soy caramel macchiatos (hold the foam).
Tchai-Ovna closed for a day of mourning and cyclists in the West End marked the sombre occasion by cycling on the road instead of the pavement.
Crawford, 40, a lecturer in the sociology of Twilight at nearby Glasgow University, described the result as a “paradigm shift”, a “hemoginisation of the late capitalist superstructure”, and other things he’d obviously been storing up in the hope he’d get to use them one day.
The academic, who carries copies of Sunday Herald editorials in his pocket and reads them at random strangers on the Subway, added: “I just don’t know how Scotland could do this. The people of Byres Road had all the arguments. We had Pat Kane, Lesley Riddoch, and words like ‘polysemy’ and ‘Podemos’.”
He continued: “With a Yes vote, Scotland would always have got the governments the West End voted for. Now, we are having a No vote imposed on us by a tiny, unrepresentative minority of 55% of Scottish voters, people who probably watch EastEnders and assign gendered personal pronouns to their children. The heteropatriarchal bastards.”
“This must be what it feels like to live in Gaza,” said Allegra, 31, an ethical Reiki massage therapist. “I knew something was wrong yesterday morning when my Third Eye Chakra was playing up. I thought it might have been a migraine but it turns out it was a portent of the coming Tory/Ukip coalition and the drowning of every child in Scotland by George Osborne.”
Iain Macwhirter could not be reached for comment.
Seriously, could someone go check if he’s okay?
Originally published on STV News.